Lack of Effort isn’t the Issue
ADHD is a problem of tolerating and managing our reactions to discomfort. Whether it's being on time, sitting still, getting a paper done on time, or even brushing our teeth. Undoubtedly, if you paid attention to yourself (or your ADHD kids) you’ve heard the phrase “I don’t feel like it.” And, if you are like most of us, you’ve decided that means you or your child simply need to try harder. After all, lots of people don’t feel like doing things and they do those things everyday, so the problem must be my effort. For better or worse, though, effort has nothing to do with our struggles. In fact, it is in part our belief that our effort is the problem that gets us into trouble in the first place.
The problem is, we simply do not have the same tolerance for discomfort as our neurotypical peers, and we find discomfort in places others do not. Three of the more typical places we often find ourselves uncomfortable are in boredom, ambiguity, and thinking toward a goal. When working with ADHD clients, one of the first things we do is talk about the Ari Tuckman quote that is something to the effect of ‘if you can overcome your ADHD by using will power…then you don’t have ADHD.’ Put another way, if you are trying really really hard to get yourself to do something, stop trying so hard. Rarely, at best, do we make ourselves do things we do not feel like doing. In fact, more typically, we will—without realizing it—find a way to help ourselves feel like it.
I once had a client, who, try as she might, could not get herself to consistently do laundry. The piles of clothes were a perpetual source of shame and guilt. She could recall a brief period in college where she would use the laundry with friends and for that brief period she did laundry—because she felt like it. This gave us our road map for how she did laundry. It needed to be done with friends in a way that made her want to go out and do the laundry. We decided on a wine party at the laundromat every Thursday night. When she stopped trying to make herself do the laundry, and started trying to figure out how to make laundry more appealing, make it something she felt like doing…the laundry became exponentially easier.
My older brother decided to go to law school, but knew that studying for LSATS would likely be a challenge. He has the same disdain for sitting still that I do. What he found, was that if he studied for LSATs while watching the Phillies play baseball, studying for the LSATs became exponentially easier. He watched all 163 games that year, and got a 172 on the LSAT.
Simple is not easy, and easy is not always simple. For those of us with ADHD, getting things done is rather simple - we have to feel like doing it. Our challenge is focusing on how we get ourselves to feel like doing it, when the entire world is telling us to ‘just do it.’
