Creating Connection with ADHD

ADHD can be a very isolating disorder, one which can limit our ability to create meaningful connections with others.  In order to achieve those connections, acceptance (of ourselves and those around us) and awareness of how our ADHD affects us and our relationships with others is paramount to almost anything else.

Acceptance

  In order to have authentic connections with our family and friends, we must do the work of accepting them for who they are, and not who they could be, should be, or thought they would be.  This is never truer than with parents and their children.  

I am fond of telling the story of a parent and colleague who we will call D.  D is a parent of 4 children, all of them have ADHD, 2 of her 3 boys are on the spectrum, with one having diagnosed autism.  As any parent can imagine, this is a whirlwind of a household to say the least.  Early in her children’s lives, D struggled to connect with them.  She describes that period as dark, lonely, and painful.  Constantly trying to ensure her kids would be ‘productive adults,’ and having that struggle continually degrade their relationship, was brutal.  It wasn’t until, she  “started appreciating and enjoying the kids for who they are” that she was able to begin to repair and improve her relationship with her kids.  D has a connection with all of her kids that I think every parent I have worked with strives for, and if you ask her, it is principally because of this acceptance.

Awareness

Being aware of how your ADHD impacts you is vital to connecting with others.  One of the keys to awareness is knowing and utilizing your high dopamine periods.

Those of us with ADHD deal with unregulated and insufficient dopamine.  And, for a lot of us, that means painful dopamine crashes, and dopamine periods so low that even getting up off the couch feels impossible. And good luck trying to have a serious conversation during those periods - try talking to me about house renovations between 2pm and 4pm and you’ll experience first-hand my low dopamine tantrums.  Without proper awareness, these dopamine crashes and low periods, can destroy relationships by preventing any meaningful connections. 

Imagine a couple, Harry and Sally, who both have ADHD. Harry and Sally constantly argued, about things that simply were not that important to either of them.  This happened so much that they were on the precipice of divorce; they viewed their bickering as a sign of incompatibility. Their ADHD coach asked the couple to start tracking their dopamine peaks and valleys, and they learned that they were only spending time with one another during and immediately after they both experienced dopamine crashes.  After working with their coach to create a plan that allowed them to spend time together during higher dopamine periods, and taking some alone time during their crash periods, they were able to re-establish their connectivity, and their marriage still thrives today. 

Through acceptance of ourselves and others, and through awareness of how our ADHD impacts our day to day life, we are better able to establish, maintain, and grow meaningful and authentic connections with friends, family, and loved ones.