Bypass the Meltdown & Get to Yes
If you have an ADHD child with some level of emotional dysregulation, you’ve been here before, or somewhere similar. Your son/daughter comes out of their bedroom, down the stairs to the living room where you’re quietly enjoying a peaceful Saturday morning. They want more screen time, and the answer is no. They beg and plead, they tell how you're ruining their life, and eventually, they go into a full-blown meltdown. Doors are being slammed, venomous barbs traded by all parties, and a scene fit for Hollywood unfolds.
Unfortunately for parents, the conversation your child had with you started before you were even in the room. They’ve already created the narrative mom/dad is going to tell me no, and it’s going to be bullshit. Before they ever open the door, they’ve moved from a 2 or 3 to a 6 or 7…they are already on the precipice of a meltdown. Your child is approaching the interaction with certainty that they are on a different team than you are. They are trying to get to yes, and you are trying to get to no. This fundamentally flawed assumption is more often than not the source of what feels like an unbelievably rapid descent into a meltdown.
ADHD children place a high value on transparency and understanding. Which, considering the lack of understanding they typically receive early in academic and social situations, is very understandable. Rather than simply telling your son or daughter no, try working with them to get to yes, here’s how it works:
Step 1: Acknowledge the request, and ask questions about the request so you are able to better understand what’s at stake.
Example
What is it exactly you want to do?
Why is this important to you?
How will you feel if you do get to do it vs How will you feel if you don’t get to do it?
Can you rate for me on a scale of 1-10 how important this is to you?
Step 2: Lay out the challenges before you in your effort to get to yes, and ask for their acknowledgement that these challenges are legitimate and preventing you from saying yes
Example
I want you to do that, here are the 3 things preventing me from being able to say yes: A, B, and C. Do you understand why these things are preventing me from being able to say yes?
Step 3: Ask for help
Example
I have a solution for A, but I think its a lot more likely we can get to yes if you can help me try to figure out some viable solutions to B and C. Here are a few of my ideas and why I don’t think they’re going to work quite as well as we need them to. Do you think you could help me come up with some solutions? Because I’d really love for you to do/have xxxxxx.
